I love a good challenge. Recently my definition of family was challenged. And honestly, I'm so glad it did. When I get challenged on my beliefs it makes them stronger. It makes me think a little deeper on why I believe what I do. I hope that's how it is for everyone, I can't imagine a life where you are so stuck in what you believe that you don't grow.
So in this challenge I've tried to put into words my definition of family. It's been hard, I know what it is to me but finding the words to actually explain it is tough. The most simple definition I could come up with is this: Family = Community.
When I look at my family growing up it wasn't just my dad, mom, big sister, and me. It was everyone around us that we did life with. The people we invested in and in return invested in us. People we rejoiced with, mourned with, laughed with, and disagreed with. It was more than just a friendship. Things in a family aren't always fun and happy, there are hard times but we got through them together.
Now that I'm older, and live a distance away from my home family I have found it so important to keep this mentality. Living away from Tuttle, away from Snowhill, away from my parents hasn't always been easy. Jason and I have learned to invest in people and found people want to invest in us and they are as much family to us as the people we share blood with.
this is some of my family.
This doesn't mean that I don't value my bloodline. I do, but I know there is more to family than blood.
Today my mind is a little bit of everywhere. My heart is achey and trying to mend. My throat has a lump in it. And my eyes won't quit swelling with tears. If I were honest in this very moment I would say today just sucks. It might be my lack of sleep since Max is teething (again), or it could be the massive amount of emotional stress my family has been under in the last few months, or heck i'm a woman you could say it's hormones.
There's many areas my mind keeps going to. In my last post I referenced that there was something I wasn't quite ready to process through words yet. Well today I guess is that day that I get it out. So if you don't want to read on through my emotional vomiting then I won't be offended.
I've always been a feeler. Which I think is a blessing and a curse, most days I think it's more of a curse. That doesn't mean that I am not a thinker though, I definitely do that too. But ever since I can remember I have been a feeler. I tend to think with more consideration for what i'm feeling than the logic that is before me. As a result of being a feeler I tend to take negative things as a "full body blow" as my dad describes it. I really think I get it from my mom. I know the last post I wrote I mentioned that I am my mother. You have no idea how true that is. I watch my mom and she loves so deeply unlike anyone I have ever seen. She talks passionately about how she feels and what she thinks about things. My mom doesn't just see a beautiful clear night she feels it, she takes it in.
That's why when my mom said, " This is what God has told me to do, I'm supposed to take care of her.." I didn't have any doubts. Any worries I had quickly went away. And just like that almost seamlessly Catherine was in our family. Looking back she really had always been apart of the family, after all Snowhill is really just one big family. But this was different. I had a little sister. The reasons she came to live with my parents didn't really matter. In the time she was with my parents I saw that girl have more joy than I had ever seen. Her and I connected in a lot of ways and some she didn't even know. And then she was gone.
54 days. I can't believe it's been that long since I last told Catherine I loved her and hugged her. I can't believe it's been 55 days since our last text message conversation. I can't believe it's been 59 days since she helped me clean the kitchen after family lunch.
I've had people in my life pass away but never like this. Never in my life have I grieved the loss of some one so deeply. There are a lot of details that I can't go into and don't want to. But I will say this. The biggest thing that I learned from Catherine is that sometimes doing the right thing is offensive to others. If Catherine wouldn't have done the right thing by standing up for herself I would've have gotten to know her like I did. If my mom would've been more worried about offending others than what God had called her to do then I wouldn't have had a little sister.
So I guess this is me working through this. And it's the challenge that I give to anyone that might take the time to read this novel of a blog post. Life is hard. Life is short. Don't waste your time worrying about who you're going to offend when you are doing the right thing. After all Jesus obviously didn't care who he might be offending while he was here...
So once again it's been awhile. I've had moments where I've wanted to write but I always find an excuse not to. I've even sat at the computer, just waiting for my fingers to start typing but nothing happens. They just sit on the keys motionless. My life the past few months has been hecticcrazybusyhard, things have happened that I'm not quite ready to process through writing yet. I have felt every emotion possible in the past few months and it's just been hard. But it seems like for every hard thing that's been going on, multiple good things have happened that keep my chin up. For example, I got my voice back.
I don't know where exactly I lost my voice but I've found it again and it's so good to have it back. I feel like I had a HUGE voice in high school. I didn't really stay quiet when I saw the injustices of the small town I grew up in. I was bullied a lot but not even the girl who kept writing about my "penis" on the bathroom stalls and kept calling me a dyke could quiet me (Just in case you are reading this. I forgive you, and I apologize for that creative writing assignment I wrote about you). Then I got a job in the big city, fell in love and the shock of not only moving out of the small town, but living with a man really made me be silent. It was kind of like Ariel in the Little Mermaid where she gives her voice up for legs. I guess in a way I gave mine up for the big city adventure with my love. I just couldn't figure out how to do both, until now. I definitely couldn't have done it without Jason, he has truly been the prince that defeats Ursala and gets me my voice back. I would equate Ursala to my anxiety. It has kept me from so much these last few years and it's starting to get better. Just last week I was at our community group and I was on fire, I was talking to people left and right. And dangit it felt good! (So excited about the people we are getting to know, and how all our relationships are growing. )
We have so much adventure-ing to do and I'm so glad that I have my voice back so I can actually enjoy it and not be a shell of myself. (Ha, shell of myself. So many mermaid references today. I am my mother. and proud of it.)
I've been making these for awhile and have decided to start selling them along with a few other little creations.
I'm really excited for this new adventure. My sister started this business two years ago. She started it with the idea that it would be a family business. Since then she has definitely taken it and made it an amazing growing little handmade shop. So now I am teaming up with her to add a few items to her store that are very unique!
I have always had an issue with sticking with things.
Recently I was reminded of this, and as always it was a slap in the face. You would think it would piss me off to the point of proving myself. That I would get this sudden burst of passion for whatever it is and be brilliant at it. But instead it makes me cower and prove how true it is.
I don't know where it comes from. Maybe a fear of failing or disappointing people around me. I feel like if I set the bar really low then there is no room to upset anyone. Or maybe it's that I get bored with things and want to move onto the next exciting adventure. Sadly I am pretty sure it's a mixture of the first two.
I've never really been a crowd pleaser in life but I think know I need approval and support from the important people in my life. I never want to let my family or friends down. Just the thought of disappointing them creates a huge achey feeling in the pit of my stomach. So what's the best way to not let them down? Not to try.
That has been my secret plan ever since I can remember. And I hate it. I long to find something I am really good at that I can stick with and make the people I love proud of me.
totally an emo post.
One thing I know i'm pretty dang good at is being this kids mom. I hope I always make him proud.
Sometimes I have these moments in my life where I swear everything is simple and perfect. I have had a really rough few weeks emotionally and physically. And this morning was the exact thing I needed. Max and I were dancing to the Lumineers pandora station and I swear it was like a soundtrack had been magically created for this moment. I felt like I was in a movie scene for a second where life just made sense and things were my kind of perfect. Sometimes I wish there was a tiny camera hidden somewhere to capture these moments exactly how I see them. I don't know if anyone else has these little moments, but I sure do hope so.
On another note, Max has decided to wear his dragon cape almost everywhere we go. It is so funny to me and I love it. He even wanted to wear it to church Sunday but I opted for his Indian head gear instead. It's easier to keep up with.
