Tuesday, July 23, 2013

54 days

Today my mind is a little bit of everywhere. My heart is achey and trying to mend. My throat has a lump in it. And my eyes won't quit swelling with tears. If I were honest in this very moment I would say today just sucks. It might be my lack of sleep since Max is teething (again), or it could be the massive amount of emotional stress my family has been under in the last few months, or heck i'm a woman you could say it's hormones. 

There's many areas my mind keeps going to. In my last post I referenced that there was something I wasn't quite ready to process through words yet. Well today I guess is that day that I get it out. So if you don't want to read on through my emotional vomiting then I won't be offended. 

I've always been a feeler. Which I think is a blessing and a curse, most days I think it's more of a curse. That doesn't mean that I am not a thinker though, I definitely do that too. But ever since I can remember I have been a feeler. I tend to think with more consideration for what i'm feeling than the logic that is before me. As a result of being a feeler I tend to take negative things as a "full body blow" as my dad describes it. I really think I get it from my mom. I know the last post I wrote I mentioned that I am my mother. You have no idea how true that is. I watch my mom and she loves so deeply unlike anyone I have ever seen. She talks passionately about how she feels and what she thinks about things. My mom doesn't just see a beautiful clear night she feels it, she takes it in. 

That's why when my mom said, " This is what God has told me to do, I'm supposed to take care of her.." I didn't have any doubts. Any worries I had quickly went away. And just like that almost seamlessly Catherine was in our family. Looking back she really had always been apart of the family, after all Snowhill is really just one big family. But this was different. I had a little sister. The reasons she came to live with my parents didn't really matter. In the time she was with my parents I saw that girl have more joy than I had ever seen. Her and I connected in a lot of ways and some she didn't even know. And then she was gone.

54 days. I can't believe it's been that long since I last told Catherine I loved her and hugged her. I can't believe it's been 55 days since our last text message conversation. I can't believe it's been 59 days since she helped me clean the kitchen after family lunch. 

I've had people in my life pass away but never like this. Never in my life have I grieved the loss of some one so deeply. There are a lot of details that I can't go into and don't want to. But I will say this. The biggest thing that I learned from Catherine is that sometimes doing the right thing is offensive to others. If Catherine wouldn't have done the right thing by standing up for herself I would've have gotten to know her like I did. If my mom would've been more worried about offending others than what God had called her to do then I wouldn't have had a little sister. 

So I guess this is me working through this. And it's the challenge that I give to anyone that might take the time to read this novel of a blog post. Life is hard. Life is short. Don't waste your time worrying about who you're going to offend when you are doing the right thing. After all Jesus obviously didn't care who he might be offending while he was here...

this was Catherine's favorite song...so fitting.

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