this is not a resurrection.

It's really not. It's more of a "write down my thoughts before they build up so much that my head explodes". I went through this after Max was born too. Since Fox has gotten here I've been feeling the  pressure of thoughts in my brain start to build again.

I'm a chronic over thinker, I'm sure I touched on that at some point some where in previous posts. Lately my thoughts range anywhere from "when was the last time I washed my hair" to "if God has already planned every day of our lives then where does free will come in?". I often have no answers or solutions to my thoughts. And I think that's in part because I have quit writing. So many things have happened in the last 2 years, some have been the most joyous moments of my life and some have been the hardest.

I don't think I'll do a fancy post for today, just a get my feet wet again kind of thing. After all I'm writing again for my sanity, not for anyone else's.

changes.

So obviously i've been busy lately and neglecting the ol'blog. I don't feel like I sat down much during the month of September...and now a new season is upon us and a new chapter for the Marshell's is here with it. Monday Jason starts his new job at our church. I can't wait to watch my husband do what he loves. Here's a few snap shots of September. 

I don't remember this taking this picture but I found it and I love it.

Max and I have been rolling out of bed and going on adventures all week. This was at the zoo. It was the best weather and all the animals were out. It was the first time that Max has really been into it. Oh and he thought all the animals were either dogs or Moo's (cows)

I don't often get good pictures with Max but we went to the park this week and Jason got some good pictures of me and Max! I love having little moments captured!

We got to spend a weekend with my amazing grandparents and my sister, brother and Cohen. It was a wonderful weekend. We just got to relax and spend good quality time with family.

We got to go to Gentleman of the Road. It was hot. We camped and this is us right after we woke up. Obviously we were tired and sun burnt. But it was a wonderful adventure with my love.

We made a special trip to Missouri a couple of weeks ago. Our nephew Noah broke his leg and had to have surgery. I'm so glad we were able to go. We don't get to see them near enough since they are 7 hours away. 

Yesterday we got Max a dog. Her name is Oswin and she is probably the most amazing dog we've ever owned. She listens, and she is so sweet.  

Obviously Max loves her.

Life is so good. It's got its ups and downs...but seriously..even in the downs life is just dang good.

son II

Dear Max,

You are four short months from being two. I'm not sure how I feel about this yet. I'm happy to tell you that since the last time I wrote you, you still still do everything I asked you to do...although your kisses have now turned into what I call "death kisses". It's basically where you try to eat my face, I always assume it's just because you love me so much.

You have changed a lot since you first turned one. We finally got tubes put in your ears after having 12 ear infections. You are already showing so much progress in your speech. I'll give you a couple of examples:

1. About a week after your procedure you were doing something goofy. I can't really remember what you were doing but I looked at you and said, "Son you've got issues" to which you looked at me with a huge ornery smile and said, "Issues". You walked around the house for the next five minutes saying it. I felt slightly proud that you repeated what I said. And then I realized it was now time to watch what I say. (By the way I don't think you have issues. I was just teasing you.)

2. You're dad and I were having a serious conversation last night, about adult things like money, insurance, blah blah blah...you were sitting in between us eating your Ramen (Yes, I feed my child Ramen. He's a picky eater but loves noodles. Judge me if you must.), I looked over at your dad and said, "It'll be alright." You quickly stood up, crossing your arms and then reaching them as high as you could like you were making a rainbow shape  with them and said, "is allllllright". I think both your dad and I were fighting back tears. You will never comprehend how much we needed someone else to tell us that it was going to be alright. We just never thought it would be our 20 month old son.

You are such an incredible child. I haven't run into a person yet that doesn't fall in love with you. Matter of fact your favorite teacher in nursery says you're her favorite. We will pick you and ask her how you were and she will say, "He's just Max. I love him." I love knowing that you are loved by more than you mom and dad.

Lately I feel like we butt heads more often than not. Literally and figuratively. Literally because you are in a head butting stage. You actually gave me a black eye not to long ago that took 2 weeks to heal. Figuratively because you are incredibly strong willed. We battle the no hitting issues, you definitely already have the want to do things your way. Don't worry we will make it through the "terrible twos". It may take tears from both of us and lots of time out, but we'll get through it.

I'm sorry that it's hard to understand what is "right" sometimes. Heck I'm 24 and I still have to battle what is really "right" sometimes. Just be patient with me. And I'll be patient with you. Don't stop giving me death kisses and tackle hugs. Mommy really needs those.

I love you son. So so much more than you will ever know.

-Mom

Your daddy was really worried about you when you "got your new ears". He's a really really good daddy. 

You LOVE my guitar. You pretty much strum better than I can. Also, please start wearing clothes more. You have mastered the art of undressing and throwing your diaper in the air. Let's keep that down to a minimum.

We've been going to the zoo a lot, we don't last long. But your daddy and I love taking you. So far your favorite thing is the goats. You also think everything is a dog.

husband.

5 years ago (on the 12th) I met my husband after a long Wednesday night shift at Starbucks he was there on the patio. I remember that I thought he was really cute, so I kept trying to give him and his friends free drinks. After that night I noticed him coming into the cafe more often and began to get my flirt on.

Little did I know we would be married 9 months later (yea that was fast I know).

I love how this man loves me. I love how he tries to protect my heart in hard situations. I love how we can laugh together and do stupid things that no one else would understand. I love that we are honest with each other and with anyone else about how hard marriage was and can still be some days. I could go on and on and on and on...

But the thing about my husband that is sticking out to me most right now is how he tries to protect my heart. I love how when I don't understand things or people he helps me look at different sides of things. He always tries to help me work through things and does it in such a tender way. He just has this way of letting me talk things through without interjecting until the perfect moment. Tuesday he sent me this video and let me know he was thinking about me when he heard it. Yet another reason why he's so dreamy....

Sorry if this is rambly...just super thankful for my man.

Cohen.

Dear Cohen,

 I'll never forget when your mom told me she was pregnant with you. We had waited so long to hear the words "We are pregnant" from your parents. I was immediately excited. Your mom and dad longed for the day they would get that little positive sign on a pregnancy test. It didn't seem like your mom was carrying you very long before you surprised us with your entry into the world. There was so many emotions surrounding that day. It was a day that I can play back so vividly in my mind even though its now been three years. I remember waiting for work to be over so I could make my way to see you in your little incubator. I remember the first time your tiny little hand wrapped around my finger. I remember your mom sending me updates constantly while you were still in the hospital. I remember the first time I got to hold you, I just stared at you and cried tears of joy that you were here. 

It has been the neatest thing watching you grow from 2 lbs 7 oz to a now 35 lb rambunctious three year old. I've loved watching you with Max. It's so fun to watch how you two interact. You are always over the moon excited to see your "Mac". I know we don't make it out near enough to see you and mom but FaceTime has to be the best invention of all time. You two are so funny making faces and yelling at each other. I just want to say thanks for always reminding those around you to not take life so seriously. That its perfectly fine to do a little jig whenever and wherever you hear music. 

Now that I've had Max I totally get your mom's "momma bear" mentality. Watching her with you has definitely eased some of my first time mom fears. You have some seriously amazing parents. I love seeing the different things you bring out in them. 

I can't wait to see what you do when you get older. Whatever it is, I know it's ping to be amazing. I love you so much.

- Aunt T

monday.

Here is a current obsession of mine. This lady is just so talented. 

Also, I really wish I could pull of those pants...


plus I found my old myspace......oh how life has changed!!

Sunday.

I love art time with Jason and Max. Jason is one of the most creative people I know. I love the pictures he doodles for Max. He is actually working on a book for Max right now and it is amazing. I am so lucky to be able to do life with my best friend. He is such a wonderful father to Max.  Here is my current favorite one:

I mean seriously, how amazing is this man.

Max loves markers & pens, he hates crayons. We literally take 5 baths a day.

Max is also currently obsessed with shark week.

Family defined.

I love a good challenge. Recently my definition of family was challenged. And honestly, I'm so glad it did. When I get challenged on my beliefs it makes them stronger. It makes me think a little deeper on why I believe what I do. I hope that's how it is for everyone, I can't imagine a life where you are so stuck in what you believe that you don't grow.

So in this challenge I've tried to put into words my definition of family. It's been hard, I know what it is to me but finding the words to actually explain it is tough. The most simple definition I could come up with is this: Family = Community.

When I look at my family growing up it wasn't just my dad, mom, big sister, and me. It was everyone around us that we did life with. The people we invested in and in return invested in us. People we rejoiced with, mourned with, laughed with, and disagreed with. It was more than just a friendship. Things in a family aren't always fun and happy, there are hard times but we got through them together.

Now that I'm older, and live a distance away from my home family I have found it so important to keep this mentality. Living away from Tuttle, away from Snowhill, away from my parents hasn't always been easy. Jason and I have learned to invest in people and found people want to invest in us and they are as much family to us as the people we share blood with.

this is some of my family.

This doesn't mean that I don't value my bloodline. I do, but I know there is more to family than blood.

54 days

Today my mind is a little bit of everywhere. My heart is achey and trying to mend. My throat has a lump in it. And my eyes won't quit swelling with tears. If I were honest in this very moment I would say today just sucks. It might be my lack of sleep since Max is teething (again), or it could be the massive amount of emotional stress my family has been under in the last few months, or heck i'm a woman you could say it's hormones. 

There's many areas my mind keeps going to. In my last post I referenced that there was something I wasn't quite ready to process through words yet. Well today I guess is that day that I get it out. So if you don't want to read on through my emotional vomiting then I won't be offended. 

I've always been a feeler. Which I think is a blessing and a curse, most days I think it's more of a curse. That doesn't mean that I am not a thinker though, I definitely do that too. But ever since I can remember I have been a feeler. I tend to think with more consideration for what i'm feeling than the logic that is before me. As a result of being a feeler I tend to take negative things as a "full body blow" as my dad describes it. I really think I get it from my mom. I know the last post I wrote I mentioned that I am my mother. You have no idea how true that is. I watch my mom and she loves so deeply unlike anyone I have ever seen. She talks passionately about how she feels and what she thinks about things. My mom doesn't just see a beautiful clear night she feels it, she takes it in. 

That's why when my mom said, " This is what God has told me to do, I'm supposed to take care of her.." I didn't have any doubts. Any worries I had quickly went away. And just like that almost seamlessly Catherine was in our family. Looking back she really had always been apart of the family, after all Snowhill is really just one big family. But this was different. I had a little sister. The reasons she came to live with my parents didn't really matter. In the time she was with my parents I saw that girl have more joy than I had ever seen. Her and I connected in a lot of ways and some she didn't even know. And then she was gone.

54 days. I can't believe it's been that long since I last told Catherine I loved her and hugged her. I can't believe it's been 55 days since our last text message conversation. I can't believe it's been 59 days since she helped me clean the kitchen after family lunch. 

I've had people in my life pass away but never like this. Never in my life have I grieved the loss of some one so deeply. There are a lot of details that I can't go into and don't want to. But I will say this. The biggest thing that I learned from Catherine is that sometimes doing the right thing is offensive to others. If Catherine wouldn't have done the right thing by standing up for herself I would've have gotten to know her like I did. If my mom would've been more worried about offending others than what God had called her to do then I wouldn't have had a little sister. 

So I guess this is me working through this. And it's the challenge that I give to anyone that might take the time to read this novel of a blog post. Life is hard. Life is short. Don't waste your time worrying about who you're going to offend when you are doing the right thing. After all Jesus obviously didn't care who he might be offending while he was here...

this was Catherine's favorite song...so fitting.

friday.

In case you needed to hear an amazing song today by my current favorite song writer here you go.

blog fail.

So once again it's been awhile. I've had moments where I've wanted to write but I always find an excuse not to. I've even sat at the computer, just waiting for my fingers to start typing but nothing happens. They just sit on the keys motionless. My life the past few months has been hectic crazy busy hard, things have happened that I'm not quite ready to process through writing yet. I have felt every emotion possible in the past few months and it's just been hard. But it seems like for every hard thing that's been going on, multiple good things have happened that keep my chin up. For example, I got my voice back.

I don't know where exactly I lost my voice but I've found it again and it's so good to have it back. I feel like I had a HUGE voice in high school. I didn't really stay quiet when I saw the injustices of the small town I grew up in. I was bullied a lot but not even the girl who kept writing about my "penis" on the bathroom stalls and kept calling me a dyke could quiet me (Just in case you are reading this. I forgive you, and I apologize for that creative writing assignment I wrote about you).  Then I got a job in the big city, fell in love and the shock of not only moving out of the small town, but living with a man really made me be silent. It was kind of like Ariel in the Little Mermaid where she gives her voice up for legs. I guess in a way I gave mine up for the big city adventure with my love. I just couldn't figure out how to do both, until now. I definitely couldn't have done it without Jason, he has truly been the prince that defeats Ursala and gets me my voice back. I would equate Ursala to my anxiety. It has kept me from so much these last few years and it's starting to get better. Just last week I was at our community group and I was on fire, I was talking to people left and right. And dangit it felt good! (So excited about the people we are getting to know, and how all our relationships are growing. )

We have so much adventure-ing to do and I'm so glad that I have my voice back so I can actually enjoy it and not be a shell of myself. (Ha, shell of myself. So many mermaid references today. I am my mother. and proud of it.)

happy happy happy

I've been a little busy...

I've been a little absent from the blogging lately. And here's why....

I'm now the co-creater at Oikos Handmade

I've been making these for awhile and have decided to start selling them along with a few other little creations. 

I'm really excited for this new adventure. My sister started this business two years ago. She started it with the idea that it would be a family business. Since then she has definitely taken it and made it an amazing growing little handmade shop. So now I am teaming up with her to add a few items to her store that are very unique!

You can keep up with us on instagram!

@oikoshandmade

let me be emo for a moment...

I have always had an issue with sticking with things. 

Recently I was reminded of this, and as always it was a slap in the face. You would think it would piss me off to the point of proving myself. That I would get this sudden burst of passion for whatever it is and be brilliant at it. But instead it makes me cower and prove how true it is. 

I don't know where it comes from. Maybe a fear of failing or disappointing people around me. I feel like if I set the bar really low then there is no room to upset anyone. Or maybe it's that I get bored with things and want to move onto the next exciting adventure. Sadly I am pretty sure it's a mixture of the first two. 

I've never really been a crowd pleaser in life but I think know I need approval and support from the important people in my life. I never want to let my family or friends down. Just the thought of disappointing them creates a huge achey feeling in the pit of my stomach. So what's the best way to not let them down? Not to try. 

That has been my secret plan ever since I can remember. And I hate it. I long to find something I am really good at that I can stick with and make the people I love proud of me. 

totally an emo post.

One thing I know i'm pretty dang good at is being this kids mom.
I hope I always make him proud.

the perfect moment.

Sometimes I have these moments in my life where I swear everything is simple and perfect. I have had a really rough few weeks emotionally and physically. And this morning was the exact thing I needed. Max and I were dancing to the Lumineers pandora station and I swear it was like a soundtrack had been magically created for this moment. I felt like I was in a movie scene for a second where life just made sense and things were my kind of perfect. Sometimes I wish there was a tiny camera hidden somewhere to capture these moments exactly how I see them. I don't know if anyone else has these little moments, but I sure do hope so.

On another note, Max has decided to wear his dragon cape almost everywhere we go. It is so funny to me and I love it. He even wanted to wear it to church Sunday but I opted for his Indian head gear instead. It's easier to keep up with. 

son

Dear Max, 

There are a few things I don't ever want you to stop doing. 

1. Right now 9 times out of 10 when you are playing you stop what your doing every 5 minutes to come give me a big kiss and hug. I am going to need you to do this forever. Even when you are 50 and I am 73 I am going to need you to do this because it makes me feel like I'm doing something right. Especially on days I feel like I'm doing everything wrong.

2. You are so curious, you want to touch everything you see. I don't necessarily want you to touch everything you see but please keep that curiosity. Keep that wondering sparkle in your eyes. I think as adults we tend to lose that sometimes and I don't want to ever see you lose it. 

3. You are a genius. I know it's a little early for some people to see it. But trust me, you are the smartest 1 year old I have ever been around. You already study things and people. Sometimes it's like you just get lost in your thoughts, you get this look on your face like you are contemplating what the meaning of life is. (I know I know he's just 1. ) I know I'm not the only one who thinks you are a genius baby. I pray you get your father's love for education and that you stick with school. 

4. You love music and dancing. Any time you hear music, even if it is background music on a commercial, you start doing your little dance. Right now your main dance just bobbing up and down with your arms waving in the air. But recently you've added this little baby Irish clog looking jig to your moves and your dad and I absolutely love it. 

5. Right now you are a little over a year, and you depend on me a lot. There are some days I get a little impatient and wish that you weren't as dependant as you are. (what mother doesn't) But I love that you need me. I know there will come a time when you are going to turn into Mr. Independent and it makes me a little sad. So if you could just hold off on that for a while that would be great. I don't mind you being a little independent but I don't know what I'll do when you don't need me to sing you to sleep or kiss your boo boos. 

Just please don't ever stop being you. I know you are just 1 but you already have such an amazing personality and I know it's just going to get better. 

I love you Max. So much more than you will ever know.

-xoxo- Mom

changes.

We have been renovating our home for the past few weeks. I take that back we've been renovating for almost 2 years. We do little projects here and there trying to get it to where we want it. It makes me sad to ever think about moving out of this little house, but I know the day will come sooner than I will be ready for. 

This man (papa) is the most amazing example of what a man should be. Not just because of how awesome he is, but because you can see his awesome-ness trickle down into his children and grand-children. 

Letting go of my great grandmother's oven was one of the hardest things to do. 

These little hands and feet are getting so smart it's unreal.

Today marks some changes for our little family and for me in particular. I have realized since having Max that I have a horrible self image most of the time. I look in the mirror and think about when I was most happy with me physically and I just get sad that I have in a sense, let my self go. It's not about being skinny at all, it's about being healthy. Not just me but my family too. I'm just lazy when it comes to taking care of myself. I think as a stay at home mom it's easy to lose yourself. And I can honestly say that I have. 

Today that changes. 

I'm excited for this. 

create.

 Lately I have been restless. I get in bed at night and I toss and turn, I try to nap with Max during the day and I just can't seem to turn my brain off. The only time i've been able to really stop my brain from going crazy is when I'm crocheting or doodling. I just love to create things. I kind of get lost in the stitches or the lines that come from my finger tips. And then to see the final product i'm just so proud of what I can actually do. 

I've been obsessed with making little Petter Pan Collars lately. 

I was really surprised how easy they are to wear.

I made Max a hat for his birthday party.

I'm hoping to start selling some of my little creations. I honestly just want to make enough to buy more yarn, I think i've have a yarn hoarding issue. 

What helps you unwind? What do you like to create? 

carry me like the wind

This weekend was absolutely wonderful.

Friday night Jana made me a blonde. And I have to say I am in love with it. I kind of thought it was going to look horrible and that I'd dye it brown the next day. But I am happy that it's the exact opposite. It was a fun night, a much needed breather. 

I never knew how ticklish I was until Jana washed my hair. I may or may not have peed my pants a little.

Blonde

Saturday I woke up with the itch for a family adventure. We are working on our budgeting skills so it needed to be something free. So we ignored our mounds of laundry and drove to Guthrie to look at antiques. I immediately fell in love with the old buildings and antique shops. I think a town like that is where I really want to live. A place where our dreams might actually be possible. 

When I came to this booth it brought tears to my eyes. Silly I know, but all the kitchen canisters were so beautiful. I really think I was born in the wrong era. 

This kid was such a trooper. 

We finished our Saturday by having Pho. Which was also amazing. It was the perfect weekend. I'm so happy with this season of my life. I have the most amazing family, the most stupendous husband, the most perfect son, and the absolute most delightful friends. 

Max wanted to share how he loved this weekend too.

new.

I always start back up writing on here with the intention to stick with it. But sadly self discipline is something that is nearly non existent in my life. I'm working on it. And that's why I'm here. I deleted all old posts. So maybe I can start up this time and stick with it. Jana is a huge inspiration to me in a lot of ways, and writing is a huge one of them. She sticks with it way better then I ever have. 

So here's some highlights of my year. I can honestly say that it was one of the best i've had. Not that anything big or grandiose happened. It was just good. 

 This year we found out that our neighbors who randomly moved away left a chicken in their backyard. I have fallen in love with this chicken, I have always wanted one. I named her Trudie. I want so badly to put her in our yard and take care of her but sadly there is a fine if you get caught with livestock in your yard unless you have an acre. I think that is a huge load of crap, we live in Oklahoma for goodness sakes. 

 I've gotten to watch these two interact all year and it is amazing. Cohen loves Max so much, and you can tell Max looks up to Cohen already. They play so well together. I love watching them together. I've also gotten closer to my Sister this year. We were already close, but having the boys have brought us closer. I love her so much and would be lost without her. 

Watching Jason be a dad has been one of the best things about this year. He is so amazing with Max. He is able to connect with him on a level that I just can't. 

My baby boy turned 1. It still is so weird to say. It just doesn't seem possible. We started a tradition where we will write him letters on his birthday every year and give them to him when he's older. 

Man, this woman. This has been an amazing year with her and her husband Ryan. I never really knew I could be so close to someone that wasn't family until we became friends. I've never had a true and honest friendship like I do with her. I can literally tell her anything, and she gets it. She reels in my crazy. I honestly don't know what I would do without her. 

This year i've also found my love for creating again. Right now I am on a yarn kick, i've gotten a lot better at it then I used to be. It's so relaxing. I hope someday I can use my creative abilities to make people happy. I don't know what that would look like but I think that would be amazing.

This year has been the best year of marriage yet. In April it will be year 4 for us. And I am just over the moon happy to be Jason's wife. That doesn't mean that we don't fight or that our marriage is easy by any means. It's work. Everyday is work, but it's the most rewarding thing. We have both grown so much as individuals and as a couple this year. I can't imagine my life without him. He is truly my best friend. 

My hopes for 2013 are that I keep growing. Growing in my faith, in relationships (especially as a wife and mother),  just growing in literally any area that I can. I am yearning for knowledge and discipline and I'm hoping I can really work on that this year. 

Here's to you 2013. Bring it.